My Healing Story

Reiki sounded so weird. I was watching people, going into the little room, on their lunch break and coming out either angry, shell shocked or crying!  It was something about energy and hand positions.  Very odd; but some were coming out, raving about how relaxed they felt.

I really needed some relaxation. I was sat at my desk, with chronic IBS, psyching myself up, to just walk across the room to the printer; walking would be a struggle as all I could do, was be doubled over in pain.

Maybe I would give it a try. Nothing else had worked. I would go to the woman’s clinic though – don’t want to be seen, doing this weird stuff, in the office.

My first Reiki treatment was amazing. I felt so calm and felt a deep relaxation, I had never experienced before.  This was going to be the perfect remedy, to the intense stress and anxiety I had suffered with for years!  The relief, when her hands were on my stomach, beat any medication I had tried.  I was so excited, why don’t more people have Reiki?!

As my sessions progressed, we began to talk. We began to talk about, the origins of my stress and anxiety, we began to talk about, no matter what changes I tried to make, I kept finding myself in the same position. This was when Reiki and I fell out – big time!

I started feeling really, really, bad. The peace I had felt after my sessions, turned into angst; intense anxiety and I just couldn’t stop crying.  What had I done?  I knew it all sounded weird, I should have just left it all alone.  I felt I’d unlocked something, that scared me – like Pandora’s box – and I did not like it one bit.  My Husband questioned what was happening, wasn’t this supposed to be making me feel better?

I decided not to go back; to forget the whole thing. It was obviously a load of rubbish and I can just carry on with treating myself to a pamper once month, to try and relax me instead.

The relief was immense, and I was so grateful I shut it down.

It had been 12 months since, that first Reiki treatment. My IBS had slowly come back, my anxiety and stress was through the roof and after one stressful event too many – I just walked out of my job – 16 years’ worth in the Insurance industry – gone.

I was literally a shadow of my former self. I knew I had suffered a breakdown.  Life struggles had just kept repeating themselves. My physical and mental health was the worst it had ever been and after pushing through and pushing through, it was as if my body had forced me to stop.

Maybe I would try the Reiki again? Let’s face it, I couldn’t feel any worse.

I contacted the Reiki lady and she welcomed me back, with open arms – like she knew I would be back.

This is when I began to understand the healing process. I had been angry with Reiki, but the Reiki hadn’t done anything to me.  All that had happened, was feelings that were buried in myself, began to come to the surface – and I didn’t like what I had buried!  The longer we’ve buried feelings, the worse it is going to feel; but they won’t go away – so what have we got to lose!

In the West we expect instant healing – immediate relief, with no pain or discomfort. This is probably why, we go down the medication route.  My experience of anti-depressants, was not a good one.  It just numbed everything, it didn’t treat my depression; but then everyone is different and I’m not medically qualified – many people swear by anti-anxiety and anti-depressant tablets – it just wasn’t for me.

The truth is, healing does bring discomfort; emotions intensify and get worse, before getting better. Emotions have, to be felt, to be released. It’s like a physical detox with cravings, or pregnancy labour, before the baby!

The emotions were always there, but rather than feeling them, I ignored them and they manifested into anxiety, depression, or physical inflammations in the body. Sometimes we may even numb ourselves, through junk food, alcohol, or drugs, to prevent ourselves from feeling; but they were always there, no matter how deep down we had pushed them, and they will keep manifesting mental and physical ailments, or our numbing substances will just increase and increase, or life struggles will just keep repeating themselves – until we break.

It is important to understand emotional healing, so you don’t give up, or think it is not working. I was scared, of getting stuck, in emotional turmoil.  If you resist the healing and fight against it by supressing, rejecting, panicking or over analysing; all that happens, is the emotion goes back down and you won’t move forward – then all you are stuck in, is the same life situation, you were in before.

Sometimes life changes, as we heal – and that can be very scary. It’s important to understand though, that only things, that no longer serve us will go, as we heal.  You may be in a relationship, for fear of being on your own.  As the fear clears, you may end the relationship.  You may have been a people pleaser, due to low self-esteem and as you increase, your self-worth, toxic friendships may come to an end.

I do say ‘hold on to your hats’ when healing starts! But it’s all for your good and you won’t lose anything, that is meant to be in your life – It’s like clearing out your wardrobe – …there is mess & chaos as you sort through what you don’t need, and you wish you hadn’t started the job! But you persevere and you’re so glad you did, as you now have a new shiny wardrobe! It’s important to have a good support system around you and to seek help and guidance from a professional, if it gets too much.

As humans we are stubborn and fight any change, but we need to change to release. Any therapy gives you the tools, but you, must put the work in, to fully heal.

So…. 5 years ago, I was an IBS sufferer, still experienced fatigue from the ME I had previously suffered; I suffered chronic anxiety and stress; I was an Insurance Manager; I had a phobia of driving; I still felt a failure for dropping out of Uni years ago and I used dread Monday mornings.

Today…. I no longer suffer from IBS or ME symptoms; I no longer suffer anxiety or stress; I am a Holistic Health Practitioner, Reiki Therapist and Mindfulness Coach (this still makes me giggle!); I am a driver; I am a graduate with a 2:1 degree in English Language and Literature and I love every single day of the week!

It has not been easy at all – and it only took me 5 years, as I kept resisting it – but I got there. I swallowed my pride and preconceived ideas, I let go and I allowed all this ‘weird stuff’ to heal me.

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